fear

At the rate I’m going, I will be happy if I can publish one post a month. October was basically spent in sickness this year. I developed sinusitis, which is not something I remember having before. I have lived with allergies and asthma from the time I was young, but sinusitis is a new experience for me. To all of you who have dealt with this, my heart goes out to you, especially if you have to care for little ones. Asher has been sick as well, but not as bad as he has been at this time the past 3 years, thankfully. Anyway, I wonder if anyone else has experienced hyperglycemia as a result of illness? Because that is another layer to what I was experiencing in this. Very strange. Poor health in combination with other major events this year was a bit unexpected and unprecedented. You might find it funny to know that during this experience, I became somewhat of a hypochondriac. I can laugh at myself now, but a more serious side to this was the intense fear of dying triggered by illness this time. I have ridden these intense waves before, but haven’t talked much about it openly.

And after journaling about it, processing it, acknowledging it before God, I don’t know that I will ever be rid of it. I hope that I will, but I am not yet. Perhaps it takes a lifetime to truly settle into trusting in God, confidently knowing that I am safe inside of my identity as a child of God and learning to let go of any identity I have formed about myself that has been rooted in fear. I do not have answers, just questions. When will fear leave me for good? Will I ever be free of it? And all I can conclude right now is, no. But I can learn that I do not have to identify with it or give it power over me. Fear does not have power over me, but fear is a persistent visitor that likes to show up to my house unannounced, triggering my fight or flight response, which is usually when I freeze up and am rendered powerless. In those moments, which can develop into days or weeks, I find myself now returning to the truth I have always known: there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. I know this rationally, intellectually. But I have struggled for years and years knowing how to practice this truth in my whole self, heart + body + mind. I still struggle at 35 with this. Fear is powerful and intense. And fear is no stranger to this soul, but I am grounding myself now heart + mind + body in the truth that I am in Love because I am unconditionally loved by God.

I will fear no evil for you are with me…

David, Psalm 91

In all of these questions about fear, and even in grounding myself in the truth that I am held together by Love, I know fear will show up on my doorstep again, invading my home unannounced. And when that happens, I will return to the truth that I know in Christ and believe that with each visit from fear, I will respond to it with the Spirit’s power that accompanies my human spirit. Day by day, I am feeling strengthened in my inner self by the divine power that lives in me and day by day I am learning how to live, held together by Love.

The outer world can be scary at times. And fear, especially at this time of year, seems to be no stranger to us, as a collective. This experience has actually had me thinking things about how much more connected I feel to humanity, knowing full well that I along with countless others are experiencing something similar, whether it be fear of death or fear of loss and separation from God and loved ones, or fear of failure. Whatever fears come in, know that you are not alone in your experience. But know this: perfect love casts out fear. It might not happen over night. It might be a lifelong cleansing, little by little. But Love will always heal and cleanse when we are open to it.

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