you. shall. not. pass.

Hello, October. You make my heart leap joyfully at your arrival this year. Your colors are majestic and magical, inviting me into pure awe and wonder as I contemplate your beauty and delight in the splendor of nature on display always and ever before me. It’s like heaven is showing off. The warmth and beauty, the rich, bold array of color bursting forth.

I feel somewhat like I can catch my breath after a nine month string of events that have unfolded this year (and are still unfolding). 2019 has brought much adversity for us, and I have heard the same for others around me. This year, as difficult as it has been, accompanied by relational conflicts and endings, has also brought with it a blessed and gracious offer to start again. A clean slate. A new beginning. It’s like heaven opened up and released a blessing and at the first glimpse of it, I jumped up and caught it mid-air. I am deeply grateful for this blessing.

This is also the year that I have gotten angry and fed up enough with myself and the destructive, unhealthy patterns I kept repeating into my adulthood. As an Enneagram Nine, this is huge for me. Because when I say angry, I imagine myself as Gandalf the Gray (symbolizing the wisdom that lives in me) when he encounters the Balrog in the Mines of Moria (the Balrog symbolizing destructive, unhealthy personality habits and cycles), confronting the Balrog and declaring firmly: “you shall not pass!” This summer, I imagined myself confronting these destructive habits and cycles, powerfully declaring to them, “you shall not pass!” And it really does feel like this is a major turning point, reorienting my life’s direction. Not only have I been destructive to myself, but also to others around me.

I began the process of inner work when I turned 24, which is also huge for a Nine (apparently there is something called inertia, this self forgetting mechanism that ignores self development, and instead focuses on everyone else around them). I don’t know what the statistics are for this personality type, but I know from my own life experience that I am committed to the journey of my soul. I am committed to healing and being made whole by the power that lives and dwells in me in Christ. Or as Jung would call it, my “whole making instinct” has officially been triggered. In the midst of feelings of excitement about the unfolding of reality, I am also feeling tired and scared and still working through clearing out residual toxicity from my former life.

Which brings me to another thing. Toxicity. This buzz word in our society is a buzz word for good reason. However, as I grow, something continues to irritate me about the use of this word. The reality in life is that all of us at some point in our lives are toxic. Ignorant to this reality, we then project our own toxicity out into others around us and blame them for being the toxic ones. This does not help us heal, folks. When we can grow up and wake up from our ignorance, we can humbly admit our own toxic contribution and begin to heal that toxicity. When we say that someone else is toxic, what we are really doing is participating in the scapegoat mechanism, which is accompanied by the belief there is something wrong with that person over there and I need to save myself from them and save others from them as well to make peace with the situation. While there is some truth to it, yes that person over there *may* be toxic, it is also true and likely that the one who blames the toxicity of someone else is ignorant to their own toxic contribution to the situation. There may be some relationships lost in the process of our healing, yes. And it does hurt greatly. But if we don’t do our own inner work, then we will only continue to project out that which lies within lurking among the shadows. I think I could live my entire life from this philosophy: I can’t fix or change or heal someone else’s toxic, destructive habits and patterns. But I can wake up to my own and do the hard inner work on myself that must be done.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

Rumi

I think I used to have some kind of messiah complex, believing that I could rescue and save someone else from their own destruction. How foolish I was.

I think this quote could sum up the lesson I have learned over the past 5 years. I am still learning, slowly; gradually becoming who I always was, hidden inside this mysterious truth that I am a child of God. I am awake. I am grateful for a revelation of this divine mystery and I am free now to be who I already was all along.

Peace be with you, friends. Go now and heal! If you’re interested in finding healing and want to start somewhere, I highly recommend the work of Dr. Nicole LePera. You can follow her on Instagram @the.holistic.psychologist. May you be healed and may you be open. Much love. ❤️

6 thoughts on “you. shall. not. pass.

    1. I absolutely love that. It is such hard work, but our wholeness is there just beckoning us and calling to us to the work. It is hard work, but also the greatest adventure, this journey of the soul. I’m so happy that our journeys are overlapping. Here, let me move over and make room for you on the Road. ❤️

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  1. Beautifully stated and thoughtfully crafted. I know this writing came from your heart and there is so much truth in that. I’m learning that my heart is my friend, and has the answers if I just slow down enough to listen to it.

    Liked by 1 person

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